Quotes

Hercules: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone.
Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Meg: Nobody can hurt you.

Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
Pain: You mean, *if* he gets outta there.
Panic: If? If is good.

Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Oh, hmph. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once.
Hades: Hmm? Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice.
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.

Hercules: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man. I thought *I* had problems.

Meg: He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Meg: Is Wonderboy here for real?
Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real. Whoa. And by the way, sweet cheeks, I'm real too.

Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance.

Meg: You know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me. I'm yours."

[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot (c.f. Midnight Cowboy (1969))]
Phil: Hey, I'm *walkin'* here.

Panic: Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

Hades: So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your *exact* words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules.
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?

Hercules: I didn't know that playing hookey could be so much fun.
Meg: Yeah, neither did I.

Hercules: Aren't you, a damsel in distress?
Meg: I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hades: We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.

Meg: Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

Meg: I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.

Meg: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?

Hercules: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure.

Hades: It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

Hades: Zeusy, I'm home.

Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.
Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest?
Hercules: Everybody's not like that.
Meg: Yes, they are.
Hercules: You're not like that.
Meg: How do you know what I'm like?

Hades: So is this an audience or a mosaic?

Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Hades: Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.

Hades: Pain.
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
[trips and falls down the stairs, landing on a trident]
Hades: Panic.
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; Pain falls and Panic trips on him; they tumble down the stairs]
Pain: Pain - Ow.
Panic: And Panic - eechk.
Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty.
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute The Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here.
Hades: [shouting] What. The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
Pain, Panic: Ohh... We are worms.
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain, Panic: Worthless worms.
Hades: Memo to me... Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.
Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.

Phil: Yeah, I had a dream. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Ah, but dreams are for rookies, kid. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Phil: Carefull, that's part of the mast of the Argo.
Young Hercules: The Argo?
Phil: Ya. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra?

Phil: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.
Hercules: Really?
Phil: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.

Tour Guide: To your left is Hercules' villa. Next stop, the Pecs and Flex gift shop, where you can buy the great hero's new 30-minute workout scroll, Buns of Bronze.

Hades: [after taking Hercules' powers away] You might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe you should... sit down.
[Knocks Hercules down with dumbells]
Hades: Now you now how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?

Hercules: Meg, why did you... You didn't have to...
Meg: People do crazy things... when they're in love.

Meg: [after Hercules accidentally breaks the arms of a Venus statue] It looks better that way. No, it really does.

Phil: I thought you were going to be the all-time champ, not the all-time chump.

Hercules: So what's in Thebes?
Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.
[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard]
Phil: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.

[the Hydra appears]
Hercules: Phil, what is that thing?
Phil: Two words:
[Hydra shrieks]
Phil: Am-scray.

Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something.
Meg: Then read my lips. Forget it.
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little mignon. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?
[Hades explodes into flames]
Hades: [shouts] I own you.

Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... *those*?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and *you* are
[shouts]
Hades: wearing his merchandise?
[Hades almost blows up in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic drinking a Hercules drink]
Panic: [chuckling nervously] Thirsty?

Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do. / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a dissapointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Thou' a kid of Zeus is / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...
[Hit by lightning]
Phil: Okay.

Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

Hades: Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...
[Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly]
Hades: Sheesh. Uh, powerful little tyke.

Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah. Work yourself to death.
[all laugh]
Zeus: Oh, I kill myself.
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.

Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.
The Fates: We knew you would be.
The Fates: We know everything.
The Fates: Past.
The Fates: Present.
The Fates: And future.
The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

Hercules: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh...
Meg: Are you always this articulate?

Phil: The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Meg: Hercules. Thank goodness.
Hercules: Wha-Wha-What's wrong?
Meg: Oh. Outside of town. Two little boys. Th-They were playing in the gorge. Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped.
Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great.
Meg: You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?

[getting off of Pegasus after riding]
Meg: I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.

[after Hercules is mobbed by fan girls]
Meg: It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?

Hades: [anger rising] I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one *schlemiel* who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods.

Hades: What d'ya say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.

Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little *nut*-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less.
Meg: Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Hades: My favorite part of the game - sudden death.

Phil: Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?
Hercules: Six?
Phil: Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.

Zeus: I need more thunderbolts.
Hermes: Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured.
[Hermes is dragged away by Pain and Panic]
Hermes: I've been captured. Whoa. Hey, watch the glasses.

Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?